So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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