my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
