where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He passed out mid-signature
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
