I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
