we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
