Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
