My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
