You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
