I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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