I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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