My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
