At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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