I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
