my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
