i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
