So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
