he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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