$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
