hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
