i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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