Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
