i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
