I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
