I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
