if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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