i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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