i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
