is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
