I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
