how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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