rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
