Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
