FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
