Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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