There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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