i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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