hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we're so committed to being not committed
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
