my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
