he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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