You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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