Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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