i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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