im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
