oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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