he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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