whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
