he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
