It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
