Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
