seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My bed smells like the plague
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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