anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
