we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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