i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
