Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
