He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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