I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
