Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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